Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
