you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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