I want to walk on stilts...naked
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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