Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
