he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
