My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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