sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
