i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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