I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
