i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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