Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You pole danced in your parka.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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