I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
