I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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