I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
