I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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