I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
