i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
