Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize