I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
