"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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