My cat gives me a boner
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
