Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
