She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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