i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
