Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
BRING THE BAGELS
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
