Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I cannot find my penis.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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