your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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