I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
