While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
