There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
