dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
