After last night, I could never be a politician.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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