Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
smell my finger.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
