this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
