TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
