So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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