there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
