Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
