Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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