I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
