Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
