I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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