you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
