At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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