I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
