I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
