Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
