Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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