please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
