i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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