I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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