my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Congratulations! We have a period
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
