i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
