The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
