i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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