Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She bit a glass in half.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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