I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
