I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
