I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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