The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Please don't give away my fajitas
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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