I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
